Dating a Divorced Man
The Advantage
The advantage of dating someone who has already been “down-the-aisle” is that in many aspects of our lives – we make mistakes, learn from them and try NOT to repeat them in the future.
A divorced man is likely to already have made mistakes in the past that an unmarried guy may not yet have experienced. If you’re lucky, he has learned from the past and won’t make those same errors again with you. But this may not always be the case.
Sometimes people make the same mistakes in their relationships, over and over and over again. Try to be on the look out for this. If you’re dating a divorced guy who has a tendency to repeat errors continuously in other areas of his life, then you’d better beware. If he has more than one divorce… watch out!
Make sure you’ve got someone who admits to past mistakes and wants to do better in the future.
The Disadvantages May Seem Insurmountable
A serious problem may come up if your guy has been hurt by his failed marriage. If his wife (not him!) ended the relationship, then you might have an up-hill-battle on your hands. It may be extremely difficult for him to learn to trust again. Just give him some time.
In most cases, his ex-wife is someone who will – in some way, shape or form! – continue to be a part of his life. Whether they share kids, he pays her alimony or simply because she was a large part of his life…you have to accept the fact she is likely to show up from time-to-time.
Don’t get upset when she’s around (whether physically or in his thoughts). Just remind yourself that she is part of his reality that you can’t change. If your guy is newly separated and in the process of getting the divorce finalized, you might want to check out Dating Advice: You, Him, and Not Quite Ex Wife! for extra advice on the special challenges a not-yet-divorced man poses.
You’ll need a lot of patience and will-power to overcome the drawbacks of dating a divorcee. But if you’ve found yourself someone great, this really shouldn’t be so difficult.
Divorced Men With Kids Are Especially Tricky
Being around his kids can be a plus when it gives you the chance to experience what life with children is like – without having to have them yourself! If you already have kids, this can provide a great way to bond with him – the children are something you have in common.
HOWEVER, keep in mind that kids can be very protective and even cruel! They already have a mom and don’t want you as a new one! So, what can you do? Take an interest in them. Don’t boss them around or act overly ‘motherly’, but do show interest and encourage them in the things they’re good at.
Don’t forget to be patient! Being ‘dad’s new girlfriend’ takes time getting used to, and they’ll probably resent you for taking their mom’s place. So tread lightly.
And don’t be upset if they don’t immediately like you. They just need some time to get used to you. Also, keep in mind that the younger the children are, the easier it will be for you to start bonding with them. Older kids, especially teens, will be more likely to resist you.
Avoiding a Guy With a ‘Past’
This is difficult, but passing them over might mean passing over someone great! While dating a divorced man may pose special problems, don’t just reject this group of guys outright. In all types of relationships there are various sets of problems. Yeah, there might be some special issues with divorcees. But if you think back to your previous relationships (with guys who’ve never been married), you’ll see that there are plenty of problems with these other types of men too.
If you just dismiss guys because they are divorced, you could be missing out on a whole world of potentially great partners. And when dating is already so difficult, it’s truly a shame to let the possibility of good ones go!
Tell us what you think about dating after divorce!
https://blog.datingwise.com/1657/dating-a-divorced-man/https://blog.datingwise.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/dating_divorced.pnghttps://blog.datingwise.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/dating_divorced-150x150.pngDivorceDivorce,Kids,MenDating a divorced man... with kids!. Your initial reaction to the idea of dating a divorced man might simply be - No thanks! But in today's world, where divorce is the norm, you might want to reconsider. You don't need official statistics to tell you divorce is a pretty...taraTara Milleradmin@datingwise.comAdministratorDating and Relationship Advice
please what is the name for a an divorced twice and presently engaged to be married a third time
And I will say, I am dating a divorced man with two children.
It is THE hardest thing I have ever done. It is about four years. There are great moments, both with him and his boys. However, there is also a lot of heartache.
I don’t know if I would give the advice to do it if you are a younger woman, like myself. Maybe.
@Portia: God does not hate people who divorce. He hates divorce. However he loves us all.
My wife divorced me for another guy ,and she doesn’t know that he is my sex partner.
@Nvad
You are absolutely right!
@Jeff
@KidJhb
Relationships are hard and take work. I have tried online dating and truthfully am sick of ladies meeting for the coffee or the lunch and I’m the bigger fool for going. I have clearly pointed it out that I have 2 children that I have been blessed with under 10 and I like coparenting and being in my children’s lives, so I get the dates are meets with women want to see if a guy with some level of integrity really exists. I/we good men do exist. In my case 2098 destroyed my world and am piecing it back together. But being 52 and tesponsible and contrary to the woe “oh where are all the great guys” so really ladies?
Meeting the kids is a huge thing.. if he is a decent guy then this would be true in your situation. I am with a guy who has four children to his ex and I met them around three or four months after the separation. At first he brought them over to meet me and have dinner. Takeaways not anything fancy =) The most shy one is the one who always want to see me and has cried about it. My partner took steps with the kids.
He would take them to stay at his new place or at parents when we were first living together (his parents didn’t know we were living together). He waited until he thought they were ready and when we did do the over night, we waited again before they stayed again.
Slow and steady sure does win the race. But EVERY situation is different. My family were always happy that we were together but his family not so much… but now I have met his parents and sisters. So who gives a f**k what others think. Yes they may be right but I can’t say as I don’t know your situation and how serious it is but some do work out.
Mine did =D
They may come around but you don’t want to lose too many friends over it. But if they are real friends then they will be very supportive. Yes they may not agree with yah but…
Do what makes you happy. My partner has hurt me and I have hurt him (sounds bad but if u knew the situation then it’s understandable). But that was before we got together and I couldn’t be happier =) He was a married man when we first met and was for just over three years while we were “just friends” (if you know what I mean). So this is why we had complications but he told her he was in love with me and he was sick of being miserable. He didn’t want to hurt the kids but the hard road is over and that heart that was hurt… is now much happier and have the man I love. Hey… he’s mine so you have your man if you want him!! =D DO WHAT YOU FEEL AND THINK IS BEST FOR YOU. Talk about it but don’t be fooled. If you do it right then u will be the happiest ever =)
I am with a separated father of four (to his ex) and one to myself. He claims he had been unhappy in his marriage for 7 years. I would agree that this is hard. Especially when he and the ex have so much history together. One of them lied to me and I am sure it was him, but he claims he didn’t. I found out for sure that he had lied to me about a serious issue in the past and then did the non specify thing after that.
We have been together for almost two years but have had a secret relationship for the over the past 5. I was a silly teenager at the time and am now in my early 20’s. He knows I want more children but he has five and….. that is far more than enough. He said he would consider having another with me as I want a little girl and if we had a boy then would try one more time for a girl. …. But he isn’t getting any younger and am afraid this will be our family as it is now.
I always wanted marriage and a family…
He used to say he puts me in the same basket as his family (including ex wife at the time) but now says I am first. As we are together now and I am his family. It has been a sticky and complicated road but I am finally happy. All situations are different and our relationship is improving.
But I agree with what you are saying…. but for me… the ex comes last =) Your relationship is still going?? I guess we might be one of the lucky ones??
You will know the answer to this… it will be in your heart. If he does everything right and says he loves you and just wants to be with you etc, then he may be for real. If he is s decent guy and loves his kids more than anything then he will be very protective. However the younger they are, the more he may be cautious about. As kids that come from a broken home can have many feelings and questions. This can be a very difficult time for them and he may want to be careful. Going about it the right way is vital in any situation.
If he really loved his ex that he dated after the ex wife, then he would have tried to make it work. Maybe a discussion with him could help but then again he may not want to talk about it. A caring father with kids of divorce, will not want to have many different girlfriends. Maybe his last ex was a rebound if it was too soon after the separation. They need time to get through it and may not be thinking clearly.
Every situation and different and the reason for the separation could also be part of some issues. If his ex wife chose to separate then he may not have been ready and therefore grabbed someone to be with because he didn’t want to be alone or maybe to throw it in the ex wife’s face.
But look….. you will know in your heart if he is genuine. I know of someone who proposed about a month after he and his wife decided to separate. He had been in love with this female he proposed to for a few years. But he said this was to show how serious he was about her, as they weren’t even dating and she wasn’t sure about having a relationship at that time. He didn’t want an answer and they have dated for almost two years and he hasn’t asked her again.
Meeting the kids and family is a huge thing and if he is a real decent guy, then I will say that you are very much safe =D
I am a 49 year old American male living in Australia for past 6 years going through process of separation and divorce for 2nd time in my life, this time have small kids to consider and not so easy as i imagined it to be. Ex is not making things easy when it comes to seeing my children which I love enormously. For 7 months since separation I have struggled financially and emotionally to get back on my feet so that I could get in a position to have my kids for more time. I began new relationship with wonderful caring woman way to soon and did not realize what my motives actually were until involved. This new relationship angered my ex and made her more difficult to deal with and while I cared very deeply for new woman I had to admit my primary motivation was having my kids not necessarily being in love or having new intimate relationship, so it turns out that without really knowing I was doing so, I had taken a short cut. I ended the new relationship and am starting to rebuild my life on my own avoiding any more emotional entanglements until I am in better place. Recently have had major heart attack and am trying to recover from that, my ex refuses to let kids see me in hospital or take them anywhere to meet me.
That is my story, not all divorced men are idiots, not all people are aware of what they do when they do it until later and they think about it. Cannot blame a person for being a bit “gun shy” or nervous about taking new risk when hurt can be so devastating. These things cannot be approached in a selfish way and being able to put self in position of others is always a big help for perspective!
I’ve been living with my bf and 2 girls 18 and 12 for 8 long years….and still no proposal! I don’t understand why i can’t have what every girl wants – marriage and kids….and on top of that i have trouble getting pregnant and he says no to invitros and adoption! Please i need advice!
Hi, don’t get trapped by men. My close friend got trapped by an idiot. He told her that his previous girlfriend slept with his friend. My innocent friend didn’t understand and simply loved that idiot. That idiot took advantage of her innocence and spoiled her life. At least we are all happy that she is ok now. He was planning to put her in mental hospital for her money. God Siva saved her life but she is very upset. She regrets every minute now that she didn’t listen to us. We were all advising her not to trust that man. After the divorce this idiot approached my friend for sex by paying $40. She got a shock. This idiot and his friend’s circle phoned her and abused her for sex. She cried every day. I am sure, this idiot, his friends and his family would suffer. This idiot convinced my friend’s dad also by buying drinks for that man. My friend’s dad is also like my dad and they do not care about their own children and simply enjoy themselves.
Hi. I am dating with divorced man. And his ex has cheated on him badly. And I like him very much. He is the man that I wanted to marry. But I always worry about if he still has feeling with his ex wife. I heard that most men still keep their kid’s mom in their heart. How can I make sure that he loves me? And not sure that it’s good to continue our relationship.
@Me How is that going? i just been talking to a guy for a month now. I’m 24 he is 25 he has 3 kids and divorced. At first i wanted to run away but the connection i feel with him is great i really like him but i really don’t know what else to think.. Sometimes i just worry about what other people are going to say. My best advice, do what your heart tells you if you’re happy you’re happy. People make mistakes and i say i wasn’t part of his life when he was with his ex.
@Portia Does God hate people who divorce or are divorced? Doesn’t the bible say there is no measure to sin? Please be careful when you’re Quoting God. Nowhere does it say he hates people who divorce.
I am dating with a divorcee with 2 kids, now still part-time taking care his kid at their previous house. I get oppose from whole family. I started to doubt about my decision. I love this man but yet i want to have my own family in future. I want him to commit 100 % to our future family but he can’t promise anything. What advise that you guy will recommend me to do?
@john Don’t blame you at all. I’m 45 and am in the ending stages of raising my kids – I don’t think i would have the energy to start again at this stage with a baby. Then you think of at least 20 more years of taking care of them and i’d be 65 before I would be on my own again. I’m very clear with anyone I date that kids are not an option for me. I’ll miss my kids when they leave but I also look forward to the day that I can do some of the things i want to do before I’m too old to do them.
So I date a man who has custody of his three teenagers and seem to have a problem that is different from most. His last serious relationship was with a woman who his kids despised and she didn’t care for them at all. They ended up breaking up because of her dislike of them. I get along really well with teenagers and have bonded with each of his kids. They consider me like a mom. I love them all. But sometimes I really wonder if because of his bad experience with the last woman that he may have chosen someone his kids liked instead of someone he loved. He’s a good man and a great friend to me but seems like he doesn’t really have that spark for me. Would a man date someone just because his kids like her?
@Evaa If someone will learn from my bitter experience I’ll be very glad. Dated twice divorced man with kids from each marriage. a 14 y.o. and 3 y.o. After 4 years of being together, and going through lots of problems and difficulties, being his “free therapist” and actually done a lot of work and reaching “progress” in building a trust to a woman, stop putting a woman down to control her, etc etc etc. We started to speak about marriage and he wanted another child- I was just happy. But then all of sudden he said he is too old now to have marriage and a new child (46, been 42 when we met) and he wants to break up. Unfortunately I’ve got pregnant a week before he said that.
So he ended up to force me to have an abortion… I’m still in pain though it is already a year ago. I cannot forgive myself I couldn’t leave him, though there were so many problems from the very beginning.
Girls, even if you love someone, but he was divorced and had problems (custody over kids) – please, find the strength to leave him before you are SERIOUSLY hurt….
@amber Ok ladies let’s hear your opinions. 47 year old male divorced with three kids teenagers and an ex wife who would take his last dollar if she could find a way.. Even though he’s overly generous. He meaning me meets a great woman 39 divorced great job no kids, great chemistry no arguments in 18 months length of relationship ….but then the subject of her wanting to start a family comes up and he says no ….is anyone on the man’s side here?
It’s good to have different views from different people in similar situations, it makes you decide whether to go on dating a once married or divorced man. It’s difficult, that’s why God hates people who divorced. Remarrying is tricky especially when you have kids from a previous marriage, most people are not comfortable with a situation of having kids which are not theirs, living under one roof.
i think to get a healthy and a lasting relationship , u need to be very patient, pray and ask God to give you the right person , it’s never too late with God. Cause marriage it’s not a project which ends after a certain period, it’s a commitment, it’s better to stay single but happy than having a relationship which brings sorrow in your life.
Divorced man will never tell you , his weaknesses in the previous marriage he always blames the wife/ spouse. All i can say to you all, God has the answer to everything that we desire only we accept him and give him space to correct our situation and give us an everlasting solution.
You can look very attractive educated and all , but remember, there is someone who is better that u think when addressing yourself , so be very careful. Man they measure woman differently at a point of their own convenience. As long thy satisfy themselves. Take note. Be wise run with your life stay away from pretenders.
As a 32 year old divorced guy with a kid, i hafta say i agree with most of the comments above. i understand where most are coming from. because most, like honestly 95% of divorced men still have and always will have feelings for the child’s mom. because divorce in humanity is not a natural process. Most divorced men still love their ex in some way shape or form, even though most would never admit it.
Hello, I would really appreciate some advice here. I met a man last year with two kids who is going through a divorce. On our third date I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue with him due to our age gap and goals, I look for a healthy and balanced relationship and I would like to marry and have kids at some point. I’m 32 and he’s 46. I expressed this to him and he said he noticed that, and is something he was willing to do again. We saw each other every other week as he lives part time with his kids. As I got to know him, I really like him and we enjoyed so much being together, I felt safe and secure and in love with him. I noticed he continuously brought up his ex-wife and still has pictures of her. After dating for 5 months he said we wanted to take things slow and back up a bit. I never met his family or his kids. This broke my heart and we stopped seeing each other for 4 months. About a month ago we re-initiated contact, he removed all the pictures of his ex-wife and the process is almost finalized, we were so happy to see each other again. But one more time he told he wished he had met me before he married that person, and that he is not sure if he wants to have more kids. He was very sad but he said we can continue seeing each other until I find the right person for me. I feel very hurt, I love him but it looks like this will not work and all I have left is just to move on…
What if the man’s mistake was marrying that slimeball bitch in the first place? What kind of advice for divorced Dads do you have?
@Me Just know that you will never be 1st. It will always be his kids. Know that the ex will always be there because of the kids. For B-day parties, School activities, Graduation and their weddings!! I have been thru this, I went into a relationship with man that had an ex wife and two young children. It has been rough; our arguments and disagreements are always because of his kids and the ex wife involved. We now have two of our own children and even now sometimes i feel that our children do not come first!!! Had a known all the hurt this would have caused me, I’d never had married a man with an ex wife and especially one with children!! Look at the full picture before committing yourself!!!
@Rob Life is funny sometimes. We think we will never be a part of that divorced crowd… We believe we will last forever, after all we stood before church and our friends and some of us (more than once…) and yet the man/woman make an unwise choice and leaves us in the predicament of a failed relationship, yet again because of an affair of some sort. SO .. we pick up the pieces and start all over again… I have found that I will never settle for anything less than i deserve!!! I am worth so much more! Praise God! So now? I have met a man who asked me to church.. Has 2 children, and yes, he’s not divorced yet. Slow…….. very slow !!!!! No I don’t have a big “L” tattooed on my forehead just am falling for a divorcing man. Yes I am praying and going slow. Hopefully giving him space and me the space to be who we are… PRAY that the Good Lord shows us the RIGHT path…. I ams so ready for the happily ever after….
@Talulah My, my, Talulah, you are looking through the narrow window. Out there you will find a thousand (a million?) single men, honorable, loving, family oriented, with NO children (just like me) and that are already giving up on the fact that they will find (someday) a “highly educated, attractive, and loving single woman with no children”. Leave this man with his failure and with his problems: wife and children. Find your own man to build a family with! (Someone like me) you deserve to start from scratch! And believe ME because I’ve been around this chaos with my divorced friends, things will never change: children (1st), wife (2nd), work (3rd), you (someplace between friends and hobbies). Really, I mean, really, run for the hills!
I have been dating a man legally married, but separated for 17 months. His argument about being still legally married is because he claims that the wife wants the money she gets legally after 10 years and he agrees. He says he is trying to make our relationship work and keeps inviting me to his country (we live in separate countries). Last time I was there for the weekend (friday thru sunday), he will leave me in his house and will go out with his children on saturday….on sunday he did the same…on friday we went to a party with his friends. He claims the ex was crazy and money driven, but he is terrorized by the fact I meet her. I don’t want to feel suspicious…what can I ask him to know what’s going on? I am a highly educated, attractive, and loving single woman with no children. Should I run for the hills?
I can relate to an awful lot of these posts. I’m 26f and have recently broken up with a 37 year old separated guy and in the process of going through a divorce, with 2 small children. I know that 4 and a half months might not seem like long compared to some of the people who have posted, but even so, if you like someone, you like them, and so it still hurts when you break up. Him and the wife separated 4 years ago but they gave it another go last year but after 3 months it ended as they were getting nowhere. The problem i found hard to deal with, is not so much the children, as i always accepted the fact that he had them, and it never became an issue for me (i never got to meet them either as it was too soon and then we ended, so there were no problems with them not liking me or anything like that). What I found hard was that he is essentially a workaholic. So on top of me not seeing him as much as i would with another boyfriend without the children, I didn’t see him much in the week or he wouldn’t text that much or call because he was so busy with work. I never felt like he put me last, but I always knew that the kids came first, and that he had to maintain a good relationship with their mother. I certainly don’t think that there is anything going on with the wife as i know they didn’t make each other happy, and its refreshing to hear from him, that although they went through a couple of bad years, he claims, and i believe him, that he never cheated on her.
So he is a lovely guy and treated me so well, but it came to a head earlier in the week, and we broke up just yesterday, purely because we are just so different. My friends and family would say to me “am i crazy”? What do i possibly have in common with him lifestyle wise? They all said i could do so much better. But i never agreed, and still don’t. I was crazy about him for who he was, but it just didn’t work out. Ultimately we were just too different. I think the final straw is that although it was me who ultimately had enough and ended it, when we met face to face and he had time to think things through properly, he realised he can’t give me what i want. Not that i expect a proposal now, but i might do, in a few years, whereas he isn’t even divorced yet and by the time that goes through, is he really wanna jump into marriage all over again. So he did think of me in long term. Upsettingly, he has to return something of mine next week so i have to see him which will be hard, part of me wants him back but then will it work.
@Rob I am divorced and dating – but trust me all that you have mentioned in all the comments it’s true,… i doubt it will be easy for your ex – to forget you,.. more especially when you have lived under the same roof for years and the children are involved – remember that he got used to your routines and Men are not easily to adjust to new environments or they will refuse seeing that they used to be spoilt etc,.. in my case i would wash his undies and socks… so i can imagine the next woman cause we come from different backgrounds – if she was raised in a manner that you must be fully submissive to your husband or not,….. Pals you’ve made my day *Fully Refreshed*
@Rob Ahhh thanks for saying that. I just finished dating a divorced man with kids, who just couldn’t move past, and give me a future with him that I wanted. It’s refreshing to hear the things you stated.
@Chloe
Chloe- I’m in the same boat you are in. I would love to hear what happened since you posted your comment. I’ve found myself in a similar situation and have the same exact feelings that you do.. I don’t know anyone in my situation and would love to hear more from you.
Thanks-Melissa
I must also say that my main reason for dating a divorced man with a child is because I personally wasn’t sure if I wanted to be married and have children. I thought dating a man who had previously been married and already had a child would prevent problems that my choice to remain unmarried and childless would cause. Now time has gone by and I have changed my mind and who knows if he will ever be ready to remarry. Also, he already has a 7 year old child. He will probably never want to start all over again. The better idea would have been to date a man who also doesn’t want to be married and have children. Being last place to the man you love is the most difficult thing a woman will ever have to deal with in her life.
I am 24 and have been dating a 32 year old divorced man with a 7 year old son. The comment about the children coming first, then the ex, and then you definitely is true. I know that it’s sad and not what anyone wants to hear, but it is and will always remain the way it is. I have been with this man almost a year and a half and they were separated over 5 years before I came around. It has not gotten any easier even though it has been over a year. Given the option again, I don’t think I would choose this for myself. If you are at the beginning of a relationship with a divorced man, especially if he has a child with his ex, I would very carefully consider how important he is to you. If he ended the marriage, run for the hills. The ex will be very threatened by you and make your life extremely difficult. I would not recommend for anyone to date a divorced man with a child from that marriage. Even though I am myself.
I am a sexy female in my early 30s. After countless cross examinations of the pros and cons of having children, having reached and finally reaching a dedicated conclusion to not submit to the whole motherhood traditions of procreation (the reason being, I am too selfish and enjoy my life the way it is!) and would not mind dating a guy with kids IF he did not want anymore with me. As long as we can more or less have our own hobbies and me (not wanting to exude a surrogate mother figure head) would kindly abide to his expectations of a fun loving partner in a committed relationship.
I was also put last in my ex-husband list, first his kids, second his ex, third his family and friends and I was the last one, never been married before and I had no kids … marrying a guy with past is an issue… think twice or a thousand times before destroying your life.
@Me “Me”, I am almost in the same situation as you are. I am about your age, with a man, divorced, with a son, and at times it’s very hard to just ignore all the negativity that clouds over the relationship. It’s hard to listen to loved ones tell us that they only want the best for us bc they love us, and that they don’t want us to make a mistake, but you know what it’s even harder to leave the man himself. If could be possible that your friend could be a bit jealous but think of what she really means. I mean she is not the only one that has been against this thus far, so you must consider this. I think at this point, hunny, there are more important and pressing issues beside your “mutual friends” advice. Things like “why did he get divorced?”and “what will happen to the children after you get serious with him?”, etc. Hang in there, I’m here if you need!
@Chloe Chloe, I am sorry to hear that it is hard for you to face that he used to be married and lived with and bore a child with another woman, but I must say that you are blessed that this is the main concerning issue. I would think that if she remained an active part of his life and they still got along great that would be the main concern. I have been dating a guy that is divorced and with a daughter, I do not yet know whether or not I would want to take this to the next level bc the thought of having to share my time with him with a child, who is not mine, scares me and is already worry and insecure. I am terrified to getting hurt, of being put last, or told that it’s either his daughter or me in the house. You made an interesting point, saying that you can easily go and meet a man without any baggage, and that’s something that so many of my family and friends have told me the same, what are your reasons for staying with him and being able to overlook the “baggage”?
Here’s my situation-
I’m 22. I’ve found a 25 year old man (whom I am very interested in). He is divorced with 2 kids (3 & 5). It’s hard for me to find a post similar to my situation. Most posts I’ve found are older men with older kids and how to deal with that.
I just wonder advice from strangers–not from my family and friends.
My family and friends tell me how bad of an idea it is to date him.
We’ve been dating for a month and I think he is worth getting to know and put myself in this situation. He treats me very good. He is very honest with me. He’s told me his ex messed him up. He’s told me she’s nuts. I know this and I’m not afraid to handle it. I know myself and I know I can handle it.
My friends are worried we are moving too fast in our relationship. I’ve met his kids once and he and I have agreed it’s good for me to be around them, but no staying overnight when the kids are at his house.
We really like each other. I want to continue pursuing him, but it’s hard when my close friend/co-worker/only mutual friend with him is against my relationship. I asked her if she was happy for me that I’m happy with him and she said no. She said she’s not happy for me because he has kids. She said her boyfriend (who’s roommates with him) said that he moves fast with every girl and then dumps them. How much of that statement is true, I don’t know. He has only had one gf since his divorce. He’s just been divorced since May, but separated for a year before that. I like him a lot, but still have concerns. I feel like my friend doesn’t want us to be together because she and her boyfriend are always having problems and it makes her impossible to be happy for me when she herself is not happy. I am just looking for opinions or advice. I don’t want her to cause he and I problems, but I’m worried her statements and advice will effect it. It already has. Any advice helps.
I am happy I saw this discussion. This is a Big question I’m carrying in my head for 5 years since I got married with a man who is divorced and has kids which live with their mom. It’s a very long story but all I can say to make it brief is that when we met, he just let me know he was married before and he didn’t want to talk about it much and so I thought he wanna really move on and I’m the one to give him a fresh start. After I accepted marrying him, he also mentioned he got kids from his ex and asked me if this is gonna change my mind. Well, then, according to his way of letting me know about his past (he had said they’re in another city at that moment) I still thought he wants to start everything fresh and even he swore nothing from his past is going to come before my eyes or mind to bother me. Then, I just trusted his word and because I had fallen in love with him, I believed everything he said.
Right after marriage, everything changed and the truth came out. His ex wasn’t living in another city, and wasn’t goin to be away from us. His ex that had stopped him from seeing his kids for ages, now let him see them, he came to me and said I have to see them here on a regular basis….I wasn’t even mentally prepared to face them. I couldn’t even accept I could see a child that is from another woman. Maybe if, before we married, I knew what his plan was going to be after marriage about his kids, i didn’t have any right to think like how I thought. But didn’t know and this didn’t even pass from my thoughts for a second.
I just had given my heart to what he had told me and promised me. By marrying me, he had kinda got back to his kids after so long and I could see the excitement in him. However me being in shock with wt was going to happen for the rest of our life took peace from him as well. What was killing me the most was that I had hardly accepted marrying a man that was married before and had challenged so much to pretend he hasn’t , but when his kids came up, his ex was going to be the shadow over my life forever, and I could not pretend anything anymore. My life turned into a mental torture. We had lottttsa arguments and fights over this , me complaining about the hell he put me in by not being honest and clear with me , and him expecting me not to be sensitive about his kids. I tried so much to get away from this kind of thinking but I cant, and till today I can’t love him again.
I have been dating a divorced man for almost 2 years. We started dating soon after he and his ex-wife had finalized the divorce papers, but they had been separated for almost 3 years. She had cheated on him, and things progressively got worse. They also have one son together.
I met his family a few months after we started dating, and now they treat me just like family. We also live together now and have talked about marriage. While the majority of things have been great, there have certainly been trying times too. It is not easy thinking about the man you love being married to someone else, especially having a child with them. It is hard when they talk to that person, see that person, and when his family talks about her too. I sometimes worry that I am being compared to the ex and I realize that I try exceptionally hard to make him happy to show him that I am better for him than his ex.
There have been times when he’s told me she has had similar arguments with him, or conversations, and that hurts a lot. It makes me feel like he has not fully moved on, and he compares me to her. I tell him sometimes I’m a different person and this is a different relationship, because I think he has a lot of baggage from his past.
I love him a lot and I do want to spend my life with this man, but sometimes I get so upset about him being with another woman, living with her, having a child, etc that I feel like it’s too tough and I can’t do it. Or maybe I’d be better off dating a never-married man without kids. There are plenty of them out there and at times I’m sure I could find someone who makes me as happy as my current partner, without all the baggage.
I agree. Why doesn’t the man know where his loyalties lie when he is so sure of the girlfriend’s love towards him? Does this mean he still loves his ex?
@Rob I’m a widow. My husband died not to long before your post and I am dating his best friend that has been married 2 times. The latter for 20 years. There are great women out there sometimes you just have to think outside the box… my husband’s best friend is 10 years younger than I am.. People that have been married a long time have a lot more to give to the relationship… I wish you the joy that I have found.. Look closer than you think just have an open mind.
Unless a man wants to be bled dry both financially and emotionally, it’s better for him not to get married at all! When there are kids involved, in UK and US for that matter, a woman knows full-well that however she behaves, the court will be on her side and she can get whatever she wants from the man. After 10 years marriage, she can decide she wants someone else, the husband is kicked out, never gets to see his kids and is forced into financially subsidising the life of the “ex and her new man”. Not worth it!
What are the outcomes of dating a man who has never had children; has lead a “Dink” life, never really shared anything with anyone and who was divorced by his wife after 25 years of financial success? I have found him to be very self centered and selfish – having no idea of what real sacrifice means in life.
What does a woman who has two grown children do with a man like that? I do not need another child.
Why is this terrible? She’s telling the truth. You as the outsider and the girlfriend will come last. There is no “empowering” the girlfriend. She’s saying it like it is. I’ve been dating a divorced man with two teenagers and a remarried ex and it’s still a nightmare sometimes. I have never felt so neglected and left out. It’s not that much fun. I’m considering going back to being solo because no matter how wonderful he is, there will always be the ex, the teenager troubles (of which you have no say in), and the fact that the kids never really “leave home”.
Being divorced is hard enough. I know that I would never put my ex ahead of a new woman. My kids will always be important, but I still can balance another woman in my life with them. I’d actually want that. I’d welcome her into my life with open arms.
I got burned pretty bad in my marriage. But I wouldn’t want her to suffer for it. I do however need someone who actually cares enough about me, to help me through some of it, i.e. trusting again. I got played, cheated on you name it.
I know there has to be good women out there, since she was my first physically, I have distorted views of what women think about men sexually. I feel like they just want to use sex to get what they want, and that it doesn’t mean anything to them emotionally. This can’t be true, but it is my battle. I don’t see how I can get this out of me without being shown the opposite. I have yet to find that, therefore I continue to struggle with these thoughts.
Everything else is just theoretical.
I know I’m a great man though, and if a lady would be willing to do a little work, I would make her very happy. Problem is today’s women want Mr. perfect on a platter, nothing less. Sorry I can’t help you there, ever. I’ll never be perfect, but I could be perfect for you in your imperfectness. Humble yourselves, and you just might be surprised.
There is no way a young single kid fresh out of college could hold a candle to me when it comes to learning lessons in life. If you think that’s where it’s at then you’re asking for what you get. I am ten times the man I was 10 years ago. SOOOO much wiser. I know I am what a real woman would want. As a matter of fact, I am probably too much for most. I am a very deep thinker, and have learned a lot from being in the superficial world. I know what it means to be young and dumb, whereas these young dudes have no clue.
Oh well it’s all good, and to God be the glory through it all. I am a better man for it in the end.
Now if you really want to know what I think…. ; )
@KidJhb That is terrible advice, saying that the current girlfriends come last. It defeats the purpose of the article to help empower the girlfriend. I think there is a constant struggle, but the divorced man has no loyalties to his ex wife. That’s like saying a guy who didn’t marry a woman has loyalties to an ex girlfriend.
Dating a divorced man with kids can be very tricky. More often than not he is not sure where his loyalties lie and is often torn between the kids, the ex and the current girlfriend. Being the current girlfriend you are almost always last in line when it comes to loyalties. Can you deal with that? Know that the kids come first, then the ex-wife – the kids’ mother – and then finally you and your needs.